I've been slowly getting more and more depressed all week. I just had a chat with B where everything came to a head. While it was nice to talk to her [she always knows exactly what I'm talking about] I'm not quite done letting this negative energy out.
What's happening is that I can't think of one thing in my life that I can rely on, nothing that's going the way I hoped it would go, and the lack of stability is bringing me to a bad place. The way I see it, I have Work, School, Friends, Relationships, Dance, and Other in my life right now:
Work- I still don't have a job lined up. I still haven't written a resume. I'm scared because I do need to find something to do to earn money, but I've been too busy with my daily shit to give any thought to the future. I'm afraid that I'll blink and realize I've been working in a field I don't care about for the past 30 years like my Dad or get stuck working in a field I don't like with no thoughts about trying something I want to do like my Brother.
School- French is giving me a lot of trouble, and I don't think I'm going to knock anyone's socks off with my final grades in my other classes. I was planning on getting some work done this week, both catching up and looking ahead, but I just never did.
Friends- I have a large group of friends who form a strong support system, but I'm constantly reminded by my Dad that once I graduate I probably won't see most of them ever again. It doesn't help that I only got texts from three people this entire week.
Relationships- This is mainly what B and I talked about: I've never had a guy want to be with me, and it's getting to a point where I doubt I'll ever be in a relationship. I don't want to hear that I'm a great girl and I'll find someone eventually and blah blah blah because I've heard that song a million times before and it's meaningless to someone as generally hopeless as I've suddenly become. Just look back at my posts labeled "Boys". Time and time again I meet someone, get excited and hopeful about some potential I thought I saw, then I write some foolish post about how this could be the guy who finally wanted to be with me, only to have the guy decide that he doesn't actually like me, usually the next day because nothing hurts more than irony.
Dance- Almost all of my joints are shot, but it's not like I ever had a shot at doing anything with dance other than maybe taking an adult class once a week. I had shitty feet anyway.
Other- I'm in way over my head with Brigadoon. My family is nice but I'm still the black sheep and have to walk on eggshells around them. My mouth is jacked up, I have high cholesterol, my eyes are getting worse by the week, and I'll be off my parents' insurance the day I graduate. I need to find a place to live before June.
Being at home always puts me in this awful mind space because all I do all day is sit and think about my life. When I'm at my real home, at school, I can keep my thoughts busy with tasks at hand, I can actually see how things play out rather than drowning in theory, at very least I can get stoned out of my head and just forget about things for a minute. But here I just dwell on the worst possible things and end up teary-eyed on the couch on a Saturday night wearing the same old sweats I've had on all week.
Nothing is actually going to be better when I get back to school, but at least I'll have better things to occupy my mind.
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- JerseySjov
- Heart transplant recipient trying to get back to normal. As normal as a gal can be while taking 18 pills a day that is. Love to cook and practice yoga, trying to dance again!
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14 comments:
It's Saturday night and I'm at home in my pajamas, I'm 26, so I can't even give you the "it gets better when you get older" song and dance, because I haven't had any more luck with boys than you seem to be having (My "boys" tag on my blog is also filled with lots of that type of stories.)
But I am also in Jersey, so I thought I would say "hi" and empathize with the pre-graduation angst. I remember it well!
I am almost exactly in the same position you know.
Dont have a job lined up.
Need a place to live before April.
A large group of friends who, well, dont even send three texts per week these days.
And as for being single. Oh, forget it! I dont even want to get into that!
Hope it gets better for the both of us soon.Cheer up, will ya :)
Work - lots of people don't have jobs lined up yet, it's ok. Go talk to the folks at your school's career center, they know what they're doing.
Friends - your Dad is wrong, you will see your friends again. The ones that matter won't just disappear.
Relationships - Chill! You are hot, smart, funny, and (and this is the most important part) not a psychobitch. The right guy for you is out there, and he's coming one day at a time. He can't go any faster, right? In the meantime, chill.
Good luck with the job decision making... its definitely important to think through, but the truth is, what you set out to do isn't what you end up doing (true with a lot of things!)... Try to think in smaller chunks of time - what do you want to do with the next five years, the five years after that, etc...
I strongly disagree with the not seeing any of your friends after graduation. You have to put in some effort, but if they're good friends, they're going to be there. Plain and simple. I mope around about not getting calls or texts, too, so I hear you on that, though.
Thinking good thoughts for you...
As far as the boys go, you probably don't want to meet the man of your dreams now anyway. You need that time in your early-to-mid twenties to figure all that out. No one should get married right out of college, right?
Don't take it like no guy wants to be with you. Chalk it up to men being immature and wanting to have drunken sex with as many women as possible in college.
Chear up, Jov. My advice to you is don't move home when you're done with school. Not even for a few months; It doesn't seem to be a happy place for you.
Hope you feel better . . .
I won't tell you what you don't want to hear about boys... but I will tell you that the best ones come when you are not looking or expecting it.
Plus, you're still young; why are you looking for a life-long commitment?
"This is mainly what B and I talked about: I've never had a guy want to be with me"
WANNA BET ?, lol !!!
Don't worry about the guys. Enjoy your single days while you still have them.
Get your resume together and get some sort of job. I'm working at my 5th company. Each job has been different and people reinvent themselves all the time. At a bare minimum you have to be self-sufficient.
Happy Monday... By which I mean, I have an award for you at http://lifeforward.onsugar.com/My-bloggie-blogscar-7765225 --- <3 your blog!
Hey! It's my first time visiting your blog, so I can't give you the "you're a great girl" routine. Anyway, I'd recommend being more agressive in every area of your life. Once you get a job lined up and get your schoolwork done ahead of time, you'll feel on top of the world.
The only thing you shouldn't be agressive in is the "boys" factor. The best thing to do is to let things flow naturally, without forcing things or deliberately trying to find "Mr. Right".
From the other issues you mention, it may not even be the best time for a bf. Heck, you may meet a guy at college, then have to move to another city for a job! In my opinion, you should use this time to be with your college friends every possible minute and get a slammin resume together! You only get to experience this time of your life once, so don't let stupid boys ruin it for ya.
Anyway, just an opinion from a complete stranger haha. Nice to meet you :)
Man, these blogs can be great for "letting it all out" huh?
Maybe this is what you were talking about when you said things got better? I sure hope so.
So you don't want to hear the "you'll find somebody" song? Good, cause I can't sing. But I put it in the same category as your friends all leaving. Shit is going to happen. But don't get caught up in what's GOING to happen, enjoy what IS happening.
The uncertainty after college can be very stressful in terms of your professional and personal life. Keep your head up as something will work out for you!
You have a whole life ahead and you will have the perfect job and the perfect someone for you!
Holy crap, guys! Thanks for all the warm fuzzies; I can't say how much I appreciate the support. You're all awesome for coming by and saying such nice things. I can only hope you keep reading when I feel better!
<3
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