Inevitable

This is the depressing post I mentioned in my last entry. This doesn't necessarily reflect the way I'm feeling today, but it's something that has been on my mind more often since about July that I never really thought about much before then:
I've never been the biggest girl in my group of friends. I'm tall for a girl and not skinny by any means, but since as far back as I can remember there had been at least one female in my inner circle who took up more space than I did. Lately, however, I've become more and more aware about my size compared to my friends/roommates/other girls on campus.

Don't get me wrong. I don't think I'm fat- I'm 21 years old, about 5'6, I weigh a muscular 150-160. I have long arms, large chest, narrow ribs, curved waist, average hips, large butt/thighs, thick calves; Because of this it is hard for me to find clothing that fits perfectly. I recognize that, while I'm never going to be a fashion model, I am sexually appealing to men [though I have not gotten any special male attention since mid-October], I acknowledge that I wear smaller sizes that other women my age/height [I wear single-digit-size pants for chrissake], but I can't help but notice how much larger things like my shoes and jeans are compared to those of my teeny roommate. I can't help but see how much wider my hips and ass are compared to the girls I dance with. I'm super conscious of how other girls I know wear their clothes and find myself being spitefully patronizing to them in my mind if I don't think they look nice.

I think some of this is being spurred from my clothes not fitting the way they used to. I have old t-shirts that no longer fit around my hips the way I liked because my waist has gotten longer and that no longer settle below my midriff because I went up 2 bra sizes in 3 years. I have jeans that fit me fine from ankle to my thigh, but pinch in at my hips causing a bump. I can't comfortably wear a pair of tights anymore. I'm not stupid. I know that I am obviously gaining a little weight because I'm not dancing half as much as I used to, I'm not regularly training capoeira, I've been eating shit food, etc etc, but I hate how much I've been obsessing about it. I check the bathroom scale usually once a day and try to guess what it's going to say.

I'm honestly worried about the way that I get so over-self-aware of my body mass when I haven't been involved in a physical interaction with a guy in a while. I mean I know...I Know that I'm as attractive as I've ever been, but I've just been bummed about it and not known what to do with myself because of my selfish interest with my fat::muscle ratio lately that I just had to have a rant on here.