As I read TA's latest post it struck me how different our nights were.
She went out, ran into a bunch of her friends, had to field calls and texts, got invited various places, and seems like she just had an overall good time.
I went out, called quite a lot of people trying to find something to do, ran into some people who weren't that much fun, and ended up tagging along to a few parties that I would definitely not have been alerted about had I not followed someone in, feeling like that proverbial extraneous wheel the whole time.
It's not the first time that I've had a night that made me feel like I had no friends [tonight's shaping up to be the same], but for some reason I can't shake the feeling lately that I'm just not that well-liked.
I know it's very Willy Loman of me, but it would really be great to be sure that I was likable. I get the impression that I'm a very minor character in the lives of most of the people I know; that I'm stored in the "out of sight, out of mind" part of people's minds. I know that I'm not the most cheery, cuddly, perky, friendly person in the world by far, but what does it take to get personally invited to a party every now and again?
When I was still attached at the hip to Roommate, people would invite only her to things and she would in turn ask me to go with her. Or they would invite "you guys," but it would invariably be through her. I brought it up to one of our friends and he personally invited me to things for about a month, but he'd always add on, "See? I invited you personally, now you can't say that no one does that!" in a way that made me feel belittled for wanting to feel like my presence was wanted at parties.
People don't even ask me if I know of anything going on anymore. I can't stand asking around if there's something to do because I don't want to come off like I'm begging to be invited out. It certainly does not help that I don't like going to jock parties anymore; the events that I prefer are smaller and not as friendly to people just wandering through.
I wish I knew what the difference was between these girls that people want to be around so much that they make it a point ask them to come around and me. Is it really as simple as the obvious- that they are friendlier [at least superficially so, in terms of Roommate] than I am?
I can't force myself to be more outgoing; I'm of the mind that if someone wants to talk to me, they'll talk to me, and if they're not in the mood to be around me, they won't. The problem with this is that it seems that no one is talking to me. I'm not very extroverted [when I'm sober], and I think this oftentimes comes off as iciness and prickliness.
Moral of the story: I'm bored as hell on a Saturday night, stone cold sober, no plans in sight, I just watched Roommate answer about 500 texts and ims from people who want to see her tonight, I have no liquor of my own, and I just don't think that anyone wants to play with me tonight or ever.
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9 comments:
Well I like you, you always tickle me!
I'd not have guessed that about you. It seemed you went out to parties and such alot. I guess I just assumed they were inviting you.
Maybe folks think you aren't available if you aren't outgoing and not real social, when your not drinking. Just a guess. Or maybe they think you aren't friendly, or they don't think you like them?!
Anway maybe something exciting will come up tonight it's early still.
I'd hook you up with some liquor if I was around.
Hope ur night gets better
hey you. a few things.
as far as last night...I believe JC doesn't really remember calling me as much as he did [because he was so shitty], and even if he did, it doesn't matter because he sent me a text today apologizing for all the calls. and with GC? he said he doesn't remember calling me that much and thinks his friend stole the phone from him to try to get me to go hang out with them. and pakistani friend always comes by our suite, mostly to hang out with KT. LipRing is LipRing--and by that, I doubt that he would've even thought to text me if I hadn't run into him. and GayBF's suite was only learned about when we got into that dorm through his roommate.
and don't feel bad, because it's not like I'm constantly getting invited to things all the time--for example, tonight we had our team dinner thing, and afterwards, our assistant coach (who's a fifth year here) had people over her apartment. most of the girls on the team were there, as well as some alumni, and the only reason I even knew about this was because I ran into a bunch of my [wasted] teammates at the beast when I went there with A. I wasn't invited, none of them bothered to tell me, and if I hadn't run into them, I doubt I would've even heard of it. and I know how you feel--I usually won't ask what's going on because I don't wanna feel like I'm tagging along. in fact, I usually will only ask JC or the Ethnic Wonder or SD if they know of things going on, because they are usually in the loop, whereas I do not think I usually am.
this is an insanely long post. but yes...please don't ever feel that you have no friends or that you're not well-liked. willy loman had some good ideas (particularly hanging onto false ideals and hopes), but seriously though...getting upset about relationships with people (or lack thereof) is really not worth it. what I DO think is very willy loman of you is your inability to distinguish between reality and illusion. you're failing to see the reality that you are well-liked and that they way that you are feeling is something that even the most outgoing, social, loved people feel. oh, and it doesn't help that the party scene here is lacking. but that is another comment for another day, as this one is long enough as is. the point is, I love you, a lot of people love you, and even though it is difficult to continuously believe that, I hope that you won't doubt it...because it's true :)
and like I said on the phone...being sober tonight is just good preparation for tuesday, aka the biggest shitshow of the year. get excited. get wet [or dry, whichever you prefer]. and get used to the idea that people love you.
that happened to me on Friday. I felt lonely =(
A sober and reflective Saturday every once in a while ain't such a bad thing. Love the Loman reference!
What I'm hearing is liquor makes you more social. Drink up!
Actually, I'm quite sure that you're smarter than most of your Hills watching contemporaries, and you'll gain confidence real soon. Then you'll be getting all the texts and IM's. As for your roomy? She'll be pregnant by the middle of next week.
Huh? I need to stop drinking and blogging.
Hell, just show up??
They won't run you out....
But then, I'm an overbearing S.O.B.
Hope your weekend got less bored for you!
ta: sometimes i get melodramatic, you know that. i've just had a rash of weekends where i've had to tag along and i dislike it quite a bit.
tf: it totally sucks when you feel like you're invisible
mnwhr: it's not all bad, but as a 20 year old i'd prefer to save my moments of sage reflection for my years yet to come
dr ken: "drink up!" hear hear. drunk blogging is sometimes the most honest and entertaining blogging.
slick: at my school a "party" sometimes means 6 people sitting around a hookah, so it's not really the type of place where you can just show up.
I feel the same way most of the time so I know what you mean. I've tried and tried to see what's wrong with me, what makes so unable to socialize and I've come up with nothing.
So I guess, we're not the only ones, right?
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